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Post by JR Chandler on Sept 22, 2011 18:17:10 GMT -5
JR had a bottle of whiskey in his left hand, wrapped in a brown paper bag to hide the label, but he really didn't care who saw him drinking. If anyone in the world deserved a drink right now, he felt it was him. He was dealing with a deadly disease, had his company ripped from him (though Adam had come to his senses and given it back), and now he had found out, from David Hayward of all people, that Babe was alive, but was with someone else. And to top it off, his mother had known about that, but lied to him. He had to know if it was true, but he also had to make sure that his drinking wouldn't affect any custody issues now that David was so sure he could get custody of AJ for Babe. But he had been smarter this time. He had spoken to his lawyer, and ensured drinking wasn't enough of a reason to lose custody, so long as he made sure his son was taken care of. His mother could do that, even if she did turn out to be a liar. She'd owe him this favor then, so that he could drink himself numb.
JR knocked on the door, his head already spinning from the booze, but the pain still stinging his heart. How could Babe have done this to him? How could he take hit after hit to his life? It was too much.
"Mom!" He called, walking inside after having knocked. "Where are you?"
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Post by Dix C. Martin on Sept 23, 2011 16:05:06 GMT -5
With Tad out and Kathy at school, Dixie was home from work and putting the twins down for their post-daycare nap, when she heard a knock on the door, footsteps and her son's voice. "J.R?" Surprised he'd stopped by, Dixie went to the front and gave him a smile, albeit a confused one. "Sorry, I was just putting the twins down for a nap. How are you?" She asked, and hugged him but noticed he didn't return it. Right away she knew something was wrong, and pulled back with concern.
"Baby what is it? D..did something happen?" Noticing one of his hands was half hidden his back, Dixie frowned and stepped to the side of him, only to see a paper bag. "What's that you're hiding..?" In her gut she already knew. But looked him in the eyes to be sure, and sure enough, between the look on his face, the bag, the faint whiff of whiskey in the air. He'd had a drink. And God help him, probably more than one. Tears filling her eyes all she could do was stare, shocked. He was supposed to be going to chemo, fighting cancer. Now he was back on the booze?!
"J.R, baby... what are you doing?!", she cried. Grabbing the bag out of his hand she looked at it sadly, shaking her head. "Why?! Why are you drinking again?!"
Her eyes pleading with him she didn't get a response, just a casual look that left her seeing red. "J.R, answer me.", she ordered. "You wouldn't have, come here today with this if you weren't trying to send me a message. Just tell me what happened so..so I can try and fix it. Please!", she begged. Even though she knew she wouldn't like what he had to say, and tried to prepare herself the best she could, for whatever this new heartache was.
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Post by JR Chandler on Sept 25, 2011 23:17:57 GMT -5
JR tensed up as his mother approached him and gave him a hug. He knew she felt his stiffness as she pulled back. He was so angry and hurt. He had been betrayed yet again. He tried to read her eyes wondering if she'd have any idea why he was here already, if she had been preparing for this. As she grabbed the bottle out of his hand he just shrugged. "No big deal, I can grab another on the way home" He told her snidely. Figured it didnt matter if you saw it, its better than having to watch you guess if I'm drinking again...but really if you think about it, is there anyone who really could use a drink more than me right now? " He said giving a short chuckle. "It'd be pretty hard to find, I'm sure"
"But hey, I'm getting smarter with it, I took a cab here. AJ's at a friends house, and by the way, I've volunteered you to watch him tonight. I think you owe me that one...so see no one's getting hurt, and I'm being a nice responsible parent. " JR told her, a glare in his eyes, but having just a twinge of doubt creep in, that maybe it had just been lie's on David's part.
"It is true isnt it? Hayward's a liar, no doubt, but somehow he's even worse with a secret" JR told her. "He paid me a visit...how long have you known? Did you really think it was better I find out about Babe and Josh from Hayward? Or maybe you just enjoy watching me mourn for the people I love...we both know you've watched me do that before. "
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Post by Dix C. Martin on Sept 26, 2011 0:31:00 GMT -5
Horrified as she held the bottle of booze, Dixie looked on wide eyed at the sneer he gave her, and the nonchalant shrug that followed. He was talking in circles and not making any sense. What had happened since the last time they spoke? Hearing him say he'd taken a cab and A.J wasn't with him, brought her at least a little relief.
"I..of course he, he can stay. A.J's welcome any time, you know that!" Catching his glare though a chill ran down Dixie's spine. And suddenly, it dawned on her why J.R was so upset. She'd only seen that hurt filled glare wrapped in fear a few times, but the source of it was always the same. David Hayward. Just the thought of that man made her skin crawl. And now she was wishing she'd just stabbed him with that butter knife at the Yacht Club. Put her, Tad, J.R, the whole damn town out of their misery once and for all.
Shaking off his hurtful words, she sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose, trying to think of how to explain. "Alright, you're right. I did learn from Hayward that Babe and Josh were alive. He, came here a few weeks ago and hinted around. And then, Babe came by and confirmed any suspicions I had."
Seeing any faith he still had in her stripped away, Dixie shook her head in shame. "J.R, honey I know. I should've told you the second I found out. But I didn't, and I am so so sorry. I..I just, I wanted to protect you! I..I saw how upset you were about the business, the..toll the chemo round had taken on you. I just didn't want to see you in any more pain, that's all! I..I knew that Babe had no intentions on reuniting with you, or your son! You think I don't know how much that would've destroyed you! I..I thought, that she was going to confront you first. Before Hayward or anyone else. But I was wrong, I underestimated David again.", she spat. Full of self loathing and guilt. So far David had managed to hurt two out of her four children, and she couldn't blame anyone but herself.
"I..I know, I made a horrible, mistake. I should've come to you from the start. But David wasn't exactly making it easy on me to make this choice. He came here and threatened to go to you with the truth about Babe if I didn't take a job he offered me. And you know better than anyone the damage making that move would've caused."
She exclaimed. Had she agreed to David's plan, been anywhere remotely close to his orbit even though she hated his guts, any chance for her and Tad's future would've been shot to hell.
"I know though, that's...that's no excuse. I guess, I thought that maybe this would all blow over. Or that I stood a better chance of, doing right by you if, I was here for you when the truth came out then...telling you and blowing yours and A.J's world to bits. I was selfish. I didn't want to be the one to hurt you with that truth and, cause you that kind of pain. But I made the same mistake. I..I tried to protect you from the truth hoping everything would sort itself out, instead of, being honest and dealing with the fallout, and I'm sorry! I'm so sorry J.R. I..I didn't want this. I didn't want to see you hurt, you have to know!" Dixie cried. "I know I brought this pain on you, okay? But I swear, I'll do everything in my power to fix it, to help you..if you let me try!", she said. Speaking the honest truth. She'd take him to AA herself if he'd let her. But from the look he gave her he didn't seem very open to the idea.
"Please, sunshine I'm begging you. I know I let you down a thousand times, but, by your drinking. You're letting yourself down just as much, worse yet you're letting A.J down! We both know you won't be able to drop him off with us each time you need a drink!", she scolded. This was one thing that she had a right to argue back about. "Your doing that makes you as 'responsible' a parent as me when I'd drop you at a soccer game and then jump into David's bed. Do you really want A.J to know the kind of betrayal you did each time I abandoned you? With Hayward and when I was in Europe? Because sweetheart your picking up the booze is just that! It's abandoning the people you love. It's how you run away from your problems. And A.J deserves better than that from you! Same as you deserved far better from me." Dixie sighed tearfully. She knew no matter how hard she tried she'd never be able to make up for all the heartache she'd caused her son. But she'd be damned if he caused his son the same amount by going back to the bottle.
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Post by JR Chandler on Sept 30, 2011 13:15:51 GMT -5
"Weeks..." JR repeated with a hurt nod as Dixie confirmed what David had told him about Babe being alive and with Josh. "How is it possibly better for me to hear it from David than someone who at least claims to care about me? You think all of this isnt destroying me now! The mother of my child, who I loved with all my heart is alive and hasn't even bothered to show her face...but according to Hayward plans to try for custody of AJ which I swear to god will never happen as long as I'm still breathing"
JR was furious, in reality more at Babe, Josh, and David more than his mother, but she had known he felt abandoned to learn she knew for so long before him. "I am a good father, and a better parent than Babe who just runs off on her kid...she's not taking AJ"
JR listened to Dixie explain the choice David gave her. "You better have told him where to shove that job offer..." JR warned, hoping Dixie hadnt taken it anyway. When she brought up his drinking and letting AJ down it was a new surge of fire through him. "Don't you dare compare what I'm doing to you shacking up with Hayward. AJ has me, whenever he needs me, but when he doesnt, I need something to get through the day. Between dying, losing the company and having my heart ripped out, I need the alcohol just to numb it"
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Post by Dix C. Martin on Sept 30, 2011 15:24:57 GMT -5
"Sunshine, I..I do care about you, I do!", Dixie cried. But knew J.R had a point and she couldn't argue back. She should've bucked up and told him from the start but didn't. And now she was paying the price. Hearing him say David and Babe planned to try for custody Dixie saw red. "J.R, that won't happen. A.J is your son and he's my grandson too. I know Babe is his mother but if she and David even think about trying for custody they'll both have to work pretty damn hard.", she promised, also assuring that the job offer David made her was a useless one, but listened as J.R kept talking and her heart continued to break.
"Honey, I know you're in pain. I know how hurt and broken you feel but, you can't justify going back to the bottle to me! Numbing the pain you're in isn't dealing with it. It's not going to make it go away! Of anything it will only make it worse.", she insisted. "I know you are a terrific father to your son, when you're sober. But when you drink J.R, you change. You become violent and lose your judgement. For God's sake.. you tried to shoot Krystal and did shoot me when you were drunk. You put Kendall in a coma trying to kill Babe. You even jumped out a plate glass window and nearly died!" Fighting tears remembering all that, she let out a heavy sigh.
"Luckily A.J was too little then to know why you were in that hospital bed. But he's old enough now and loves you enough. He'll know something is wrong. Even when he does need you, you'll be needing another drink more. And by that point you'll be lucky if A.J even wants to be around you. By then the cancer and booze will have you by the throat. Your anger about the business and Babe is going to take that light right out of your eyes. That boy won't even recognize you, and even if he does, it's only a matter of time before he loses you anyways. I don't even know why you asked me to take you to chemo a few weeks back! Was it just so you could have more time to drink yourself to death!?!"
Frustrated at herself, at J.R's stubborn ways, at the cancer and David and everything else out to get her child, Dixie took the bagged bottle she was holding and threw it against the wall. After she put her face in her hands and took a few shaky breaths to calm down, and once she had, gave J.R an icy stare and approached him. She had to try a new tactic here, let him know where she stood and not let her emotions get the better of her.
"Honey, I don't care if your faith in me is as shattered as that bottle. I am not going to give up on you, J.R. Do you understand? You're my son, and I love you. I know that I've screwed up your life, but..I own that, alright? If you go down, consider it my failure. I've hurt you, I know that. But I'm not going to let you hurt yourself, not now, not anymore." Dixie said simply, and wondered if maybe J.R seeing how much his addiction hurt her would allow that to happen.
Walking over to the bag, bending down to get it she was surprised to see the bottle hadn't broken. "Huh, plastic.", she realized. "More convenient for travel I bet..." Rolling her eyes sadly she went over to the kitchen, reaching up to the top cupboard.
"I bet you have the fancier bottles at home..right? Gotta keep that liquor cart display looking good." Coming back in the living room, she sat on the sofa and motioned for J.R to join her. Grateful all the while Kathy wasn't home, her seeing and hearing this would just confuse and scare her, and definitely Tad if she told him.
Setting the two shot glasses on the coffee table, uncapping the booze she filled them both to the brim. "C'mon, one for you..and one for me.", she said, looking up at J.R. "What? If you are going to drink, better here than behind the wheel. Besides, how else can we go shot for shot? The twins are sleeping like logs and, right now I've got no place else to be. I just hope you can keep up with me."
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Post by JR Chandler on Oct 21, 2011 21:33:07 GMT -5
"They can't take my son from me!" JR said a mixture of fear and anger in his voice. "She left him. She walked away and didnt look back, didn't call, didn't do anything for him, let him believe she was dead after he just got her back only to run off with someone else. She doesn't deserve to even see AJ. She's just going to do more damage than good to my son, and I wont let him be hurt like that...you can't let take him, no matter what" He said, knowing he'd probably either need his mothers help in court, or she may be the one left with AJ should something happen to him. "I may be sick but I've been there for him...I love him and I never abandoned him like that" "You really think I can't justify the bottle? What more reason is there for anyone to drink than the hell that I've been put through lately? Who deserves even a moment of dulled pain more right now. Maybe I can black out and not have to remember I'm dying or what Babe did, or my father, or you"
It was hard for JR to hear his mother tell him the things he had done wrong when he was drunk last time. "It'll be different...I'm different" He insisted weakly. "I won't let AJ see me when I drink, he wont be affected by this. I'm a good father..."
JR watched as his mother went over and retrieved the bottle from the floor. He followed her to the kitchen expecting to see her dump it down the sink, but instead she sat down on the sofa with two shot glasses. He looked at her in shock. "What the hell are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't drink"
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Post by Dix C. Martin on Oct 22, 2011 1:00:05 GMT -5
Hearing J.R rattle off the reasons Babe had no business taking A.J away, cut at Dixie more than she let on. She'd done all that to J.R and then some when she'd been with David, and later on left for Europe. That along with too many other factors were why he was starting to crawl back to the bottle. And she'd do anything at this point to keep him from getting there.
"You mean I shouldn't drink...and you're right. I know. Between my heart and my kidney, after a few too many of these I could die. But hey, if an alcoholic in chemotherapy can take that chance..." Shrugging she traced the rim of the glass with her fingers. "Besides it's not like I couldn't use a little something to take the edge off. I've got someone I once claimed to care about, back in town bent on tearing my family and life apart, and I'm terrified of losing my son. If facing those issues can lead you to the bottle, why can't they do the same to me? You think you're the only one here that can be driven to drink?", she questioned. "Seems a little hypocritical of you. I'd like to think being your mother I can numb my pain the same way you are yours." Shaking her head sadly Dixie raised her glass, tipping it in J.R's direction a bit before bringing it to her lips. "Cheers.."
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Post by JR Chandler on Oct 30, 2011 20:37:45 GMT -5
"I'm not gonna die from a shot, but you have no idea how little it could take to do damage..." JR said watching her finger slowly go around the rim of the glass. He was nervous. He didn't want to believe that she would seriously do this. That she would go this far to make a point to him, that she would really risk her own life right now. As JR watched her raise the glass, he knew she wasn't bluffing, she didnt even seem to hesitate as she brought the glass to her lips. JR quickly reached out and knocked it from her hand spilling it on the floor in front of them and knocking the glass to the floor. "I am not going to mourn you again because you decided to prove a point. Haven't I lost you enough times? And Kathy? the twins? I won't let you put them through this..."
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Post by Dix C. Martin on Oct 30, 2011 23:36:08 GMT -5
"Oh yes I do.", Dixie sighed, knowing just what effect the shot of liquor would have on her. It would harm her the same way that it would harm J.R if he fell off the wagon, only the harm would come to her faster. She could tell he realized this from the fear in his eyes, and when he knocked the glass to the ground, she was pleased. Her plan had worked.
"Well, I'm not going to watch and worry and eventually mourn over you when you crawl back into the bottle, J.R! Deny it all you want but you know drinking will harm you just as much as it would me. Just may take a little longer.", retorted Dixie.
"If I'd done that shot, it would've been horrible, for me and the people that I love. We're already going through enough and, for me to take the easy way out, get drunk, possibly die to avoid it all...it would be selfish of me." Bending she picked up the glass and poured the other shot back in the container, loosely capping the bottle back up.
"I don't know how you think it's somehow okay for you though. I don't know how you think because you're suffering you can just, end it all and escape into a bottle. You won't let me drink and damage my family...but you're set to damage yours!", she exclaimed. "Look at A.J, look at Marissa. She loves you and has been by your side through everything. You were ready to marry her and now you're just gonna abandon her, your son, just to become a drunk?! How can you do that? How the hell can you throw the rest of your life away?", she cried, before hearing footsteps and a small giggle.
"Jrrr..Jrrr!!", Nolan squealed, sprinting towards his brother before spotting the bottle on the coffee table. And eagerly picked it up. "Juice!!" "Nolan, NO!" Horrified, Dixie snatched it away from the boy, getting fear filled eyes and a quivering lip in return.
"Bu..but I..I want juice!", sobbed Nolan. "I know baby, c'mon Momma will get you some, okay?" Scooping Nolan up Dixie went over to the kitchen, pouring the booze down the sink before grabbing Nolan a sippy cup from the fridge. "C'mon let's go back to the nursery, huh?", she asked, but walking back through the living room saw Nolan glance at J.R and whimper. "J..JR?" "Just play with Tara okay, tiger? I'll be there in a bit."
After setting the twins up with some blocks in the nursery, returning to the front Dixie handed J.R the empty bottle. "Never in this house again, you understand?", she ordered referring to the booze, bottled and what she could still smell on his breath.
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Post by JR Chandler on Dec 23, 2011 11:25:53 GMT -5
"The bottle's not going to kill me mom, the cancer is! You'll be mourning me either way, let me at least dull the pain" JR scoffed, knowing it was different for her to say that to him when in his mind he was already dying so either way she'd be dealing with his death eventually.
He watched her pick up the glass and pour the other shot back in the bottle. "You made your point, but you and I both know it would hurt you more. If I had a future, maybe we'd have something else to talk about" He said, desperately wanting another drink just as he stared at the bottle. He didnt want to feel everything he was feeling now just talking to her. The pain and anger at his situation was too much for him. "I would never abandon my son, I would do anything for him" He said sternly.
JR heard the footsteps and looked over seeing Nolan coming in. It took JR back for a moment seeing how big his brother had gotten. JR hadn't been around nearly enough, but still the boy knew him. "Hey buddy...how are you?" He asked before watching him spot the bottle. "No...not juice.." JR started reaching for the bottle before Dixie snatched it first. He silently watched her take the boy in the kitchen and pour out the rest of the booze before taking Nolan to the nursery. "See you later Nolan..." JR spoke softly, knowing Dixie wouldn't want him anywhere around his siblings right now.
When she came back and handed him the empty bottle he shook his head. "I wouldn't have let anything happen...I love them too you know"
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Post by Dix C. Martin on Dec 26, 2011 16:01:59 GMT -5
"Anything but put the bottle down for him, right!" Dixie cut in before taking Nolan to the nursery. Calming only slightly before returning to the living room. At J.R's words her eyes flickered in disbelief. If he loved the twins and everyone else as much as he claimed, why was he hurting himself this way instead of getting the help he needed? She was trying to be understanding and sympathetic but there was only so much she could take.
"Well if you love them, then prove it. Get to an AA meeting and take control over what's left of your life before it's too late. Even if you're convinced you have no future...spending the rest of your time curled up in a bottle is just robbing people who have never done a thing to you, of precious time with you. A.J and Marissa, what have they done to deserve seeing you turn into this..pathetic drunk! What have the twins or Kathy done? Aside from love you and as far as Kathy goes, worry about you! She's going around crying, scared of losing you, what's she gonna think when I tell her you two can't have a tea party because you threw yourself a pity party with a bottle of whiskey?" Shrugging, Dixie sighed sadly.
"J.R as scared and heartbroken as I am for you right now, I can't help but feel just as disappointed in you. Even if you gave up on chemo wanting just, some peace and time with the people you love, I could understand that and try to support it. At least I could say you tried your best to fight. But you're not fighting anymore. Going back to the bottle, it's not an escape. It's your giving up. You were willing to continue therapy before Babe and David crash landed into your life, before I helped do their bidding. If you have to be angry at me and at them, fine. Cut us all out of your life. But don't..use the booze to just waste what's left of it away. If you do, you're just giving into all this, anger and fear and hurt you feel. Your trying to block it out is just letting it consume you..even destroy you. I couldn't stand it, if that happened to you, J.R. I've seen it happen to people I loved before.", Dixie said, reflecting on what had happened to her brother the last few years of his life, and knowing she couldn't deal if her son suffered the same fate. "I can't lose you J.R, but, especially not this way.", she sighed, gesturing to the bottle.
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Post by JR Chandler on Jan 17, 2012 17:53:59 GMT -5
It hurt seeing the anger in his mother's eyes. He had seen the disappointment before, and the sadness, but when she felt Nolan was at risk he knew there was anger there too. It was harder to see that than he had expected. And it was definitely a fire he was familiar with in himself.
"I'm not robbing anyone of anything, and I'm not wasting what time I have left sitting in an AA meeting when I could be living my life" JR told her shaking his head trying to brush it all off. "I havent done anything to anyone. I havent done anything stupid this time, I'm just enjoying a few drinks like everyone else does. If Kathy wants to have a tea party, I'll take a few tylenol and have a party with her, then have my own party when I get back home with something stronger"
"What else is new?" He asked her when she said she was disappointed. "If you hadn't been dead so much, being disappointed in me wouldn't come as a surprise to you, it would just be the expected. Just as Dad"
When she told him he stopped fighting and gave up it stung and he felt defensive. "Ive tried the chemo, I've tried every poison they've tried shoving in my veins, I wanted to fight but I wasnt' strong enough...I just keep getting weaker" He look at the bottle as she gestured to it telling her shse didnt want to lose him that way. "At least this way I'm numb and don't feel a thing...I dont know how much the other way is going to hurt" He voiced a thought that had scared him.
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Post by Dix C. Martin on Jan 18, 2012 14:10:05 GMT -5
"Living your life? Since when is walking around in a drunken haze living, J.R?", asked Dixie angrily. When he made the comment about enjoying a few drinks like everyone else, she looked on in total awe. Had he forgotten his condition or just blocked it out? Either way she wasn't content to watch him do it. "You must think I'm some kind of idiot. Trivializing your condition and expecting me to just nod and go along with it! You're an alcoholic, J.R. Enjoying a few drinks isn't an option for you, and your thinking otherwise is beyond stupid!"
At his mention of the kids more sorrow filled Dixie's eyes. How was she going to try and explain this nightmare to Kathy or even A.J if he had questions? Even Nolan knew something was wrong, and there was no way she was letting anything like earlier happen again. Not under her roof. Walking up she looked J.R square in the eyes, her own narrowed into icy slits.
"J.R so help me, if you come in this house again drinking, drunk, hungover or anything in between, you're not getting within a foot of Kathy, the twins..or A.J. You understand me? You may think I've earned the right to see you this way but none of them have.", she growled. But even on the defensive his comment about her untimely not so demises stung. She knew the better part of his acting this way was her fault. But as guilty as she felt she couldn't let him use it as an excuse to destroy himself.
Seeing a trace of vulnerable in all the drunken stupor, Dixie's features softened and she reached over to gently lift J.R's chin. Hoping at the very least if he saw her maybe he could finally hear her. "I think you and I both know that it's gonna hurt a lot. And that's what you're so afraid of. That's what I'm afraid of too. The problem right now is we're both running scared and doing whatever we can to prevent more pain. That's why you turned to the bottle and..that's why I thought, keeping quiet about Babe and David and Josh made sense. I thought I could protect you from hurting, baby. The same way you think, booze is going to protect you from hurting. But..I was wrong. I was so wrong for keeping that secret from you instead of, being upfront and dealing with it. The same way, that you're wrong now. You drink and I avoid tough stuff, and somehow we convince ourselves it'll make the pain we're in go away but it doesn't! J.R, it doesn't work! We can't avoid, hurting. It's a part of life that we just have to, work through until things finally get better. I know that chemo hurts like hell. I've seen it with patients, I've seen it with you. It is poison. But at least there's a chance that kind of poison will save your life. This kind though..right here..it's worthless.", she sighed nodding to the bottle. "Deep down I know you know that, J.R. And you also know that as much as I've hurt you, that I am not Adam..okay. I don't and I won't ever expect to be disappointed in you. I just expect you to be the man I know you are. And that man doesn't need alcohol to get from day to day."
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