On Pins and Needles (Marissa)

[Dix C. Martin]

Sitting on a bench in the park by PVH, Dixie was sipping a cup of coffee, glancing at her watch every few seconds. She'd called Marissa to meet her on her lunch hour this afternoon, not saying exactly why. It was troubling enough for her to admit to herself that J.R had been drinking again. Now she had to discuss it with his possibly soon to be fiance. And it was a discussion Dixie was dreading.
Sighing sadly she checked her watch again and glanced to the entrance of the park. Her eyes misting over doing so. She'd taken J.R here so many times when he was a baby. He liked to chase ducks and play on the playground when he got a little older. His whole young life he was the happiest little kid and the bravest one she knew. He was her sunshine. And now with each passing day he was slipping away from her more and more. Into this dark place that Dixie didn't even know for sure she could pull him out of. All she wanted was for J.R to be healthy and happy, and now he was so far from that point. It broke her heart and she had to fix it somehow, even if doing so meant backing off and allow someone else to be there for her son. She just hoped Marissa would be up to the task.

[Marissa Tasker]

Soon enough through the front gates of the park steps none other then Marissa. Today since it wasnt too cold today which is unusual for this time of the year. Marissa is sporting a pair of khaki jean like pants, a long sleeve brown top with a brown belt slung low on her hipsand her favorite necklace which was passed down to her from her mother and her pair of favorite ankle boots.. Marissas long hair hangs down her back in soft waves, her makeup is done to perfection and her purse hangs onto her shoulder.

[/b]

s59.radikal.ru/i165/1103/98/435934b804ab.jpg *marissas outfit*

Marissa was a little surprised when she got a call to meet Dixie in the park. But she had a idea what it was about, she had a feeling that it was about JR and his drinking. And she knew that it was hurting Dixie to know JR was drinking again, just as much as it was hurting her to know that the man she loves resorted to alcohol instead of allowing her to be there for him. On the way to the park, Marissa had stopped off and gotten two cups of coffee, and a little something for them to eat knowing Dixie would need to keep u her strength as well..

Soon enough Marissa notices Dixie setting on the park bench, she adjusts her sun glasses before she makes her way along the path heading towards her. She could tell even from this far away Dixie looked like she was lost in thought. Marissa sighs abit and when she reaches Dixie she begins to speak in a soft sweet voice..

"Dixie.... Hunny are you alright you look like your in deep thought.... Has something happened?"[/size][/center][/b][/color]

[Dix C. Martin]

Jumping a bit when she heard Marissa's soft voice, still in a bit of a memory filled daze, Dixie weakly smiled glancing up at her.
"Hey, sorry about that..uh, here. Have a seat.", she offered, moving over a bit on the bench and noticing the coffee the brunette was holding. Coming from the same place she'd gotten her own earlier, getting her chuckling a bit.
"Oh, great minds. Thank you though."
Letting the hot beverage sit in the carrying case while she finished the one in her hand, Dixie figured it was time to quit the small talk and say what she came here to say. Not that it was easy.
"Gosh, where do I begin uh..this isn't exactly easy for me to say. I wish I didn't have to say it at all, but..I think it's something you need to know."
Shaking her head sadly she finally bit the bullet.
"J.R came to my house the other day, unexpectedly. On any given day I'd be thrilled but..he came in carrying an opened bottle in a paper bag, and as if that wasn't enough he'd finished about half the contents of it. My son's drinking again.", she sighed. Speaking in a soft, almost ashamed, tone of voice as she looked tearfully at Marissa.
"J.R's fallen off the wagon, Marissa. And I'm the reason why."

[Marissa Tasker]

"I know JR is drinking..."

Marissa sighs abit as she says those words, she takes a seat next to her friend and looks down at the ground. She had found out the hard way that JR was drinking and some of the things JR had said to her that day had hurt her feelings even though she refused to tell him that. After a few minutes she looks up and over at Dixie, you can see the worry evident in her eyes as she begins to speak.

"I found out the hardway that JR is drinking.... After we had lunch together I decided to go by and see JR so that we could spend the afternoon together... *looks down* Things didn't go like i hoped it would, he ignored my call and when I knocked on the door he yell'd at me and asking me what I wanted... He said some other things that really hurt my feelings even though I wont tell JR that...."

Marissa continues to look down at the ground, she sighs abit as she looks back at her friend before she begins to speak while brushing her hair from her face.

"He got so angry with me because I snatched the bottle away from him and poured it out over the balcony. He told me that I need to stay away from him, that he would only end up bringing me down. He said that I was too good for him and that I should listen to the people around town. Needless to say it led to a huge argument between us. But after a while he began to calm down and we actually talked and he apologized. But i know the moment I left he got drunk again. I'm just glad I took AJ with me so he wouldnt have to witness his dad drunk or what ever."

Marissa looks back down and shakes her head as she fiddles with the hem of her shirt before she begins to speak in a soft voice.

"Why do you think it's your fault Dixie.... It's no body's fault except Babe and David, and JR for allowing himself to be minipulated enough to pick up that bottle... Instead of allowing me or you to be there for him...."

[Dix C. Martin]

"You..you do?"
Dixie asked. It wasn't that surprising Marissa knew already but a part of Dixie wished J.R had straightened up or at the very least, tried to conceal his drinking around her.
Listening closely to her words, she sighed and felt even sadder than before. Not even realizing that was possible. But when Marissa looked down and said she wouldn't tell J.R what was wrong, immediately Dixie shook her head.
"Oh sweetie..no. Look if J.R, does something to upset you than, you need to let him know it, okay? I know that he's my son but, I won't stand for him treating you or anyone else badly, especially when they've done nothing to deserve it!"

Hearing the rest of the story, shaking her now spinning head Dixie didn't know what to do or even think. She couldn't believe things had escalated to this point with J.R and hearing it broke her heart and made her feel even guiltier. But she was brought a bit of relief that A.J hadn't been around to witness things.
"I'm glad too. I told J.R flat out that if he's drinking, drunk or even hungover he's not to go near the twins or Kathy, or A.J if I happen to be watching him. I won't have any of them seeing him in that state. I'd never forgive myself if it happened."
Biting her lip at Marissa's question, Dixie glanced down preoccupying herself with the ring on her finger. Not wanting to answer but knowing she had to.
"Because I have good reason to, Marissa. I mean, Babe and David and Josh may have put everything into motion but I kept it going."
Getting to her feet Dixie slowly paced a bit by the bench, her arms crossed and her head down. Feeling ashamed even looking at the younger woman as she confessed.

"The day I told you that I had a run-in with David, he'd come to my house and told me in no uncertain terms that, Babe and Josh were alive and, a couple. He had every plan of rubbing the truth in J.R's face. I warned him not to, I..threatened him. But instead of going to J.R with the information I had, instead of trying to soften the blow for him, I chickened out and didn't say a thing. Part of me was hoping that it would all blow over or was just a big joke, part of me was afraid, part of me just didn't want to be the one to tear my son's world apart. I justified it to myself thinking that, if Babe came forward and told J.R what was going on, or even if David did, that I'd help J.R through the aftermath. Pick up whatever pieces of his heart that Babe hadn't smashed and, help put what was left back together. Needless to say that didn't happen. J.R found out the truth, was furious with Babe and David and, at me rightfully so for keeping another secret from him. What they did to him was horrible but what I did was even worse. I'm his mother. I'm not supposed to let him know this kind of pain, let alone be the cause of it! But here I am, doing it again!"
Fighting back tears she wrapped her arms even tighter around herself.
"I don't even deserve to have J.R in my life, Marissa. I've hurt him more than anyone ever has. And seeing him like this...guess this is how I'm paying for it all.", she said, looking and feeling more defeated than ever.

[Marissa Tasker]

"Dixie hunny none of this is your fault... So dont be so hard on your self. It was JR's decision to pick that bottle up you didnt force him to drink it. You didn't hold him at gun point, but the thought of him losing AJ was what did it. I talked it over with JR when he was sober enough and he was ok with me doing what ever it took to keep AJ with him. Even if it mean stripping Babe of her parental rights. I know she is my sister but she will never see AJ again the lawyers have made sure of it."

Marissa looks down for a moment and fiddles with her top before taking a sip of her coffee. She then looks over towards Dixie and gently rubs her back abit before she begins to speak.

"I know your worried about JR, hell I'm worried about JR so much in fact that I can barley concentrate in class. Everytime I go to write my paper I always end up thinking about JR and just end up typing a bunch if jibberish."

Marissa shakes her head abit and takes a deep breath, her eyes begin to mist up before she begins to speak once more in a soft voice.

"I love him so much Dixie, I dont know what I will do if I ever lose him. You know I had a dream one night that me and JR got married, I've even fantasized about us having a couple of children of our own. But lately with JR's drinking I'm not sure he even believes in us. If he believed in us, why didn't he come and talk to me instead of picking up a bottle?"

A couple of tears slowly begin to slip down Marissas cheeks... She takes a deep breath trying to stop the tears but that only causes them to slip down her cheeks even more.

[Dix C. Martin]

Sitting back down on the bench, looking as defeated as she felt, Dixie listened to Marissa and sighed. She still felt guilty about J.R going back to the booze and nothing anyone told her would change her mind.
"Marissa I was hesitant to talk to you about Babe before, 'cause..I wanted you to make up your own mind about her. But, now that you know about what she's capable of I, want you to know that I agree with you. I don't trust your sister. I used to believe that, in spite of what she and J.R put eachother through that, they'd make things work for the sake of A.J. But I don't believe that anymore. If she gets her way my grandson is gonna be torn apart and confused and, he doesn't deserve that in a million years. Babe doesn't have either J.R or A.J's best interests at heart and, I'm not going to let her or David cause them any more pain. They've been through enough!"

Sympathizing with Marissa when she talked about being distracted, Dixie rubbed her shoulder a bit seeing she was tearing up.
"Sweetheart, I don't think J.R loves or trusts anyone on this earth, more than he loves and trusts you and his son. You are two of the only people he's ever known, that have never done a thing to hurt him. Deep down I know he knows that, and I know that deep down he believes in what you two have. Even if it's hard to see, the love is there.
Just, right now he's swimming in anger and fear and hurt, and since he feels he can't fight anymore he's running away. Running into the bottle, the same way he ran to drugs when he was a teenager. I've tried my hardest to convince him to keep fighting but, I'm not enough. Not anymore. He feels that I've betrayed him and I have. You though, and A.J..you are J.R's best hope, Marissa. You're the ones that can give him reason to fight. I've talked with him and, I can tell he feels the same way about you that you do him. He's just afraid to give into it or trust that you won't be, taken away from him, like so many other good things have been. I know what he's up against is no excuse for his drinking and treating you the way he did but...I know my son enough that..deep down, underneath the alcohol and bravado and temper, he's still the J.R. you fell in love with. He's still my little boy. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to help him, but I need you to do the same. As difficult as it is to believe, I truly think J.R can come back from all this and you can have the life you want with him. You just need to convince him it can happen. And I think he'll listen. Even if you have to, yell and scream til you're blue in the face. He'll listen to you, Marissa. Even if he won't listen to me.",
she shrugged sadly, but managed a weak smile at the younger woman. Dixie believed with all her heart Marissa would be able to turn J.R around, she just hoped that she'd still be willing to.